Concentrating on my Concentration

So here's the idea. I was thinking about myself as a child, and how most of us little boys wanted to be like our dad--to please our papas. As little children, we gravitate to our same-sex parent. But as we reach adolescence and begin maturing, we are pulled to the care and attention of our mothers (if we are guys) and to our fathers (if we are girls). Dads praise their daughters, buy them things, care for them, (maybe too much) and protect them from evil young men that want to get in their pants. But it is the other side of the spectrum that I want to focus on, seeing as how I am becoming a man, not a woman. It is at this point in our lives that we grow to be as tall as our moms (they can't believe it!), and then we grow taller than our moms, and then even so much taller that we have to adjust the leg room of the driver's seat maybe a foot or two when we drive her car. Our moms baby us sometimes. They buy us gifts spontaneously, shower us with expectations, prepare us for prom, and want to talk to us about our feelings. During the latter years of high school, the amount of tension between mothers and their sons winds tighter, and the amount of emotional exchange burns brighter as well. This is my senior year. It is the year before I move to California and no longer see my mom every day. Maybe I'll see her a fifth of the entire year. Did she do a good job preparing me for this? No longer will I have a hot egg waiting for me on a white plate in the morning, there will be no more "Did you do your homework?" and no more seven-up brought to me when I have a cold. I'll be on my own. Most of us will be. My concentration is centered around these question: How does a mother-son relationship change over the course of the son's final years under her roof? How does a son spend his last saturated year with his mother, in spite of his urge to be independent from her? Is their mutual dettachment something to cry over, something beautiful, or something in between?

So I was looking at photographers online and stuff and I came across this girl's site. Nirrimi photography or something. It looked simple and I thought man I wish I had a website. There was this link down low, and now I have my very own miniature website! Its not much, but its exciting.

keltonphoto.carbonmade.com

This picture that you see is my first semi-successful HDR (high dynamic range) photograph. I put my camera on a tripod and took three different pictures of the same thing. One at low exposure, one at normal exposure, and one at high exposure. It ends up capturing the lightest lights and the darkest darks in one stunning image. Thanks. I mean its not that cool its just a river. But the colors are cool, and see how there is a white halo around the tree? That's because I have a sub-par camera that falls short in combining multiple-exposure shots. So I'm looking forward to my nikon d90

Bailar

New Camera

This is going to be expensive. I got really excited because I saw on the Nikon website that a D90 is $899.99, and I was like sweet! I'll have that much in a couple weeks. But then I realized that that is how much it costs just for the body. A D90 with a lens is $1200 and up. It'll be a bit longer before i get my dream camera. Not to mention I was planning on getting a 10.5mm fisheye lens too, which is $700 by itself.

But I've got to invest in a good camera. Whatever I get, it will pay for itself. That's how I'm looking at it.

I'm glad I have a job.

Some of my favorite names

Imogen
Delores
Desiree
Terje
Brogan
Giselle
James Brown
Anita
Jussi

Yea.

A glass can only spill what it contains

A cat came drifting onto my porch from the outside cold
And with eyes closed, drinking warm milk from my bowl
Thought,
"Nobody hears me! Nobody hears me!
As I crept in so soft
And nobody sees me! Nobody sees me!"
As I watched six steps off

Like peacocks wandering the walkways of the zoo
Who have twice the autonomy the giraffes and the tigers do
Saying,
"No one can stop me! No one can stop me!
No one clips my claws.
Now everyone watch me! Everyone watch me
scale these outside walls!"

Oh you, pious and profane
Put away your praise and blame
Said, "A glass can only spill what it contains"
To the perpetually plain, the incurably inane
A glass can only spill what it contains

What new mystery is this?
What blessed backwardness?
The Immeasurable One is held and does not resist!
Struck by wicked words and foolish fists of senseless men
The Almighty One does not defend

I was halfway listening to what she thinks she knows
We're like children dressing in our parents' clothes
Saying,
"Nobody knows me. Nobody knows me.
No one knows my name.
Nobody knows me. Nobody knows me.
No, nobody knows me."

I half-heartedly explained
But gave up peacefully ashamed
A glass can only spill what it contains
We went to Portugal and Spain
And in her mind the entire time it rained
A glass can only spill what it contains

What new mystery is this?
In overflowing emptiness
The Invisible is seen among the shadows and the mist
Before my doubting eyes the Infinite appears in time
The Unquestionable is questioned but makes no reply

What new mystery is this?
What new mystery is this?
What new mystery is this?
What new mystery is this?
What new mystery is this?
"My Rabbi!"
My lips betray with a kiss
What new mystery is this?

Waste of Paint

I have a friend, he is mostly made of pain.And he wakes up, drives to work,and then straight back home again.He once cut one of my nightmares out of paper.I thought it was beautiful, I put it on a record cover.And I tried to tell him he had a senseof color and composition so magnificent.And he said "Thank you, pleasebut your flatteryis truly notbecoming me.Your eyes are poor.You're blind.You see,no beauty could have come from me.I'm a wasteof breath,of space,of time."I knew a woman, she was dignified and true.And her love for her man was one of her many virtues.Until one day, she found out that he had liedand she decided the rest of her life from that point on would be a lie.But she was grateful for everything that had happened.And she was anxious for all that would come next.But then she wept.What did you expect?In that big, old housewith the cars she kept."And such is life," she often said.With one day leadingto the next,you get a little closer to your death,which was fine with her.She never got upsetand with all the days she may have left,she would never cleananother messor fold his shirtsor look her best.She was freeto wasteawayalone.Last night, my brother he got drunk and drove.And this cop he pulled him off to the side of the road.And he said, "Officer! Officer! You got the wrong man.No, no, I'm a student of medicine, a son of a banker, you don't understand!"The cop said, "No one got hurt, you should be thankful.And your carelessness, it is something awful.And no, I can't just let you go.And though your father's name is known,your decisions now are yours alone.You are nothing but a stepping stoneon a pathto debt,to loss,to shame."The last few months I have been living with this couple.Yeah, you know, the kind who buy everything in doubles.They fit together, like a puzzle.And I love their love and I am thankfulthat someone actually receives the prize that was promisedby all those fairy tales that drugged us.And they still do me.I'm sick, lonely,no laurel tree,just green envy.Will my number come up eventually?Like Love's some kind of lottery,where you scratch and seewhat's underneath.It's "Sorry",just one cherry,or "Play Again."Get lucky.So I've been hanging out down by the train's depot.No, I don't ride.I just sit and watch the people there.And they remind me of wind up cars in motion.The way they spin and turn and jockey for positions.And I want to scream out that it all is nonsense.All your life's one track,can't they see it's pointless?But just then, my kneesgive under me.My head feels weakand suddenlyit's clear to seeit's not them but me,who has lost my self-identity.As I hide behindthese books I read,while scribblingmy poetry,like art could save a wretch like me,with some ideal ideologythat no one could hope to achieve.And I am never real;it is just a sketch in me.And everything I made is triteand cheapand a wasteof paint,of tape,of time.So now I park my car down by the cathedral,where the floodlights point up at the steeples.Choir practice was filling up with people.I hear the sound escaping as an echo.Sloping off the ceiling at an angle.When the voices blend they sound like angels.I hope there’s some room still in the middle.But when I lift my voice up now to reach them.The range is too high,way up in heaven.So I hold my tongue,forget the song,tie my shoestart walking off.And try to just keep moving on,with my broken heartand my absent Godand I have no faithbut it's all I want,to be loved.And believe,in my soul.In my soul.In my soul.In my soul.

CANVAS

It's pretty cool. It was pretty expensive. I got a photograph printed on canvas!

art?

Hi